Biblical Law Upheld

10pmEST, Sanford Florida:

Upholding thousands of years of biblical tradition, a state-court in Sanford, Florida declared the killing of an "unruly" teenager to be perfectly legal. The Bible is commonly translated as saying: "For anyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother; his blood is upon him." (Leviticus 20:9) The response has been somewhat mixed. Parents throughout Florida have killed 20,000 teenagers (aged 13-18) since then--19,000 in the Panhandle alone. An additional 5,000 children (aged 5-12) have been killed for reasons varying from "he was being a little shit" to "she couldn't have expected to be fed every time we got food, what is this, a Howard Johnson's!?" Parents all over Florida have demanded that Child Protection Services bring back their children, but a "grandfather clause" has not been yet established or the ruling yet interpreted by the Attorney General--though being quoted as saying "who wouldn't like this ability, am I right?!"

According to the decision, if a a person over the age of ten decides to be rude, unruly, or in any way uncooperative to a person over 21 years of age, the adult has grounds to kill the child without recourse. Since the ruling, roving bands of people in white coats calling themselves the "White Knights" have been roving through the ghettos of Miami, Orlando, and Boca Raton, for "unruly teens". So far they have killed thousands of people in Miami and Orlando, as well as tens in Boca Raton. The people were predominately Black and Cuban. A group of adult black men and women have gathered on the steps of the capitol demanding an end to what they say is racial discrimination. One activist, 59 year old Martin Friedman was quoted as saying: "those people in the court say it wasn't racism, but who the hell is goin' to believe them! If a black man tries to kill a punk-ass cracker, there wouldn't be two looks at the evidence 'till the man is sent to death! Who the fuck would believe this fucking state. I might as well move back to Mississippi! For the Love of God, we've got to do something." Later adding, "I mean, I wouldn't even think of...well, we just need to change the damn justice system, that's what." The Judge who issued the ruling has denied any racial motivation, and has declined further comment.

The response from the myriad of organizations has been varied. The Southern Baptist Church declared on its website: "we are one step closer to our vision of a better America through Jesus Christ and his message of love, peace, and killing little punkers." The Catholic Church offered a strong condemnation saying: "if everyone killed a trouble-making kid who didn't do whatever you wanted, why there wouldn't be anymore alter-boys, and what world would that be?" Strangely enough, the North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) issued a similar statement, referring to the fact that there would be no more boys to "mentor". (A activist group of teenagers called "meh" wrote nothing on its website at the publication of this document, but late last night they produced a statement calling for the justice system to be "at least racist as fuck, 'cause this is bullshit. Better that the Old Rule of the South* be instated than for an entire generation of children be slaughtered. *If a nigger kills a white man, it's murder; if a white man kills a nigger it's not murder; if a nigger kills a nigger, that's one less nigger." The Florida ACLU has weighed in on the case saying: "we are reviewing our interpretation of the Tenth Amendment just for you Florida. Have fun!" Rick Scott, the first Snake Governor, could not be reached for comment.

Oddly enough, after being freed, George Zimmerman could not be found. It has been theorized that he was actually horribly racist enough to believe that Trayvon Martin was actually a criminal, and had some "black magic" under his hoodie that made him stand his ground against nothing. His crippling fear, being a form of light-racism, is upheld by the racist court system--and deadly nonetheless. Other theories include that he's really just an "asshat."

This reporting was deemed horribly written when first written, but we at The Apple decided to just say "fuck it; it works." 

Correction: initially our reporting hinted that Mr. Zimmerman was white, but he isn't. In fact, he's really just a total douchebag that the criminal justice system allows to kill people--provided they're black.

Weiner Comes to Top the Polls

12:00pm EST, NEW YORK, NEW YORK

In a stunning turn around, Anthony Weiner has come surging past his fading opponents. With his new slogan "NY Wants the D" leading the charge. Many opponents are curving to the left to catch up with him, but many think the panicking is a bit "premature." Other analysts are not so sure. Xiao Niao, a democratic political strategist had this to say: "[sic] come erection day, Weiner is sure to win. Honestly,  his opponents will die out too quickly. Though he had a little burn-out, he's in for the long-haul. Considering the amount of sleepless nights he was getting and the amount of campaigning he's done, it's fair to say he as almost super-human stamina."

Still, many are skeptical of Weiner's new slogan, including Vice President of the NYC Chapter of the League of Women's Voters, Sally Robinson: "uh...do I really have to explain why that loses my vote. [Pauses] Seriously." With this race tightening-up, it's not clear who will top City Hall. Among those who think there's "nothing to sweat about", James Carvel has been quoted as saying: "I don't know 'bout you, but he ain't going to survive this one. Sure, he can pull in and out of politics all he likes, but he's always going to end it prematurely. You can ask his wife if you like." Even with the nightmares that those words will cause, many ordinary New Yorkers tend to agree.

In a statement by his staff, Anthony Weiner has been feeling "nearly orgasmic at the news." He was later found to be texting. His wife confirmed that it wasn't sexting, but merely communicating with Elliot Spitzer's Prostitute in an attempt to figure out "why [he] can have a fruitful career, and he can't, even though he did nothing illegal is not a damn hypocrite."

Only time will tell whether he can actually pull it off, or whether he is forced to pull out.

Anthony Weiner Press Release

2:00am EST, New York City:
Anthony Wiener, amid weeks of constant scandal pertaining to sexting consenting adults, has a released a much needed statement clarifying his message and signalling a new direction for the campaign.

"TO THE PRESS: Anthony Weiner has been a unabashed progressive and unrelenting champion for the working and middle classes. In his tenure as a congressman he passed countless laws that helped benefited ordinary people, not the rich. He fought hard and long for a single payer system, wall street reform, and many others. Though some of his causes have failed due to a government paid for by the corporation, he has stood erect for the people to milk everything he can for the middle class. Though it was a hard grind, he stood for you. His work was in his blood, sweat, and tears. Now, he is running for Mayor. As a congressman, as now, he was also a total dick. Yes, a total fucking dick. The reason why that's not bad--why we're making it as public as possible--is because that's how he can fight for the middle class. Being a total dick is the reason why legislation isn't immediately cock-blocked by republicans. Without having the in-your-face New-Yorker-Gall that Weiner has, he could never have been as effective as he was.In fact, some scientific theories state that being a total dick is what made all great leaders great. That's why we have decided on a new slogan: 'NY Wants the D'

Yes, New York Wants [Anthony Weiner]. Anthony Weiner is the dick that New York need and deserves. Because, c'mon, the last two Mayors were 'Mayor I hate Soda, Smocking, and Poor-Blacks and 'Mayor 9/11--I also hate jaywalking.' The idea that New York can stand up with a nice person who is also a bleeding-heart liberal is laughable. I mean have you been to New York City? It's a total shithole with a Disney store attached! Also hipsters--tons of hipsters. As for Mayor Dick, well, he decided to openly ask his wife for permission to be an adulterer, because, c'mon, it's not like he's going to stop--nor did he ever say adulterers were sinners. Seriously, Pat Robertson is still alive. I think we've made out point. Everyone say on the count of three: 1, 2, NEW YORK WANTS THE D!"

Shit Is Happening in the World

While Americans are mourning the loss of a company that sells sweet pastries, the people of Israel are being shot at by rockets; the people of Gaza are having bombs dropped on them; our soldiers in Afghanistan (remember that?) are risking their lives--and the Afghan people are living in fear; a drafted Israeli soldier is waiting to be deployed; a poverty stricken world is reeling from a global economic-slowdown; and the genocide in Darfur is still real. 

Let me explain this. Hostess, the 82 year old company went bankrupt  this week. The American icon has been something of a legend for decades. The brand "Twinkies" was the cornerstone of this company, or at least the one with the most lore. The brand has even spawned a derogatory term--which is a indicator of something deeply  ingrained in the American culture, as it was. The brand also makes the famous Wonder Bread--a staple for many people. 

This "loss" for Americans comes after months of repeated rocket attacks on Israel from the Gaza Strip. The 95 year old conflict (starting with the Balfour Declaration) has defined the region since the creation of the Israeli state in 1947. The conflict of a largely Jewish state with its Muslim neighbors was the creation of an aggressive Zionist movement, spurred by the horrific pogroms of Eastern Europe and eventually the Holocaust. The need for a Jewish state and the Palestinians already living there, who saw an economic threat, created conflict. Some extremists in the Zionist movement became terrorists--driving out the British/Ottomans as well as many local peoples. This has spread resentment on both sides.

The most recent war in the conflicted area was the invasion of the Gaza Strip in 2008 , started for similar reasons as the current war: the safety of the civilian population in Israel. After rockets have been touching down in Israel for months, the news aggregate/blog The Huffington Post ran a highly cited opinion piece which expresses Israeli frustration at the West's apathy towards rockets aimed at civilian populations. (http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/arsen-ostrovsky/palestine-bombs-israel_b_2011785.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false) To sum up the article (which I suggest you read): other nations would care if they were constantly under attack, so why should Israel not take action for its people? This is a fundamental aspect of the conflict. Here in America, we are fighting our wars tens of thousands of miles away, Afghanistan (and previously Iraq). In Israel, the border is the war-zone. 

Though the Israeli military has yet to invade Gaza, they are using tactical airstrikes and the IDF to taker out Hamas leaders and rockets. Unless a cease-fire is achieved, there will likely be an Israeli invasion of Gaza. This will cause more civilian casualties, no doubt. In that case, no one wins. Peace is where someone wins. Hamas causing casualties among its own people to shame and isolate Israel will only make Israel more reactionary. The current Israeli government is run by hawkish right-wingers. This is never good for a country. Isolating Israel will only make Israel reelect these people. In the end, this war is a step back for the already strained peace process. 

The conflict must end. Only an end to this conflict will ensure stability in the Middle East. How will it be solved? I can't answer that. Only a new generation of Israeli peaceniks will solve this problem. Being an American, I can't answer for Israel. What I think is a good idea is the China model. Set up autonomous regions within a larger state. To ensure civil rights, give 40% of the Knesset (Knesset means assembly in Hebrew) to the Palestinians as a baseline number. Part of the problem is great economic inequity. Giving Palestinians full civil rights would help with inequality. But, I am an American. I do not know the realities on the ground. I am but one person wanting peace, one person wanting justice. I think the demonstrators in Israel over this past decade know this: peace is justice and justice is to be sought after. 

This war effects everyone, but especially the people in Israel and Palestine. Everyone in Israel serves in military (except some religious people) feels the pain of war; everyone in Gaza feels the pain of airstrikes; everyone in Israel can feel the pain of rocket strikes; and everyone in the region can feel the effects of a war close to home. 

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Afghanistan is a war-zone. The Taliban is instituting conservative patriarchies that prevent girls from learning to read. The people of Afghanistan feel the terror of constant warfare--warlords ravage the country. Gunfire can be heard practically anywhere in this war-torn country. American soldiers are fighting for their lives in this quagmire, all while "nation-building".  Yet, we live our lives not caring for the true 1%: our soldiers and their (immediate) families. The GI Bill is a start. The 99% can at least a acknowledge that a war is happening, and that one ended. We have yet to have a parade for our soldiers in New York--the symbolic place for such an event. This is a plain and simple outrage. We expected them to fight for a war based on false pretenses, and we don't acknowledge their accomplishments. 

Celebrating Veterans Day is not enough. Caring about the war is a requirement. Even though the majority of Americans support ending the war in Afghanistan, there has yet to be anything other than apathy. If there was a draft we would care. We'd be out in the streets, like we did for the Vietnam War. Even our songs--a form of "slack-'tivism"--has lacked anything to do with the Wars. Other than a few Green Day songs, there is nothing that has reached popularity for protesting either the Iraq or Afghanistan Wars. Us peaceniks have to latch onto faded nostalgia of the 60's and 70's--a time when I was not born. This is only one sign of American apathy. Apathy is unacceptable, period. 

We are at war when our debt is exploding. Our priorities should be at home. Poverty rates have risen in the wake of the Great Recession, and we need to address it. At the same time as poverty rates have risen--the wealthy have become wealthier. Inequality is a structural issue. A true free market would have some stratification, but it would look more like a bell-curve--with the most people in the middle class. Of course that assumes that the nation is economically prosperous, more developed country (MDC), rather than a less developed country (LDC). So, the government ought to provide for more meritocracy. 

The way to introduce more social mobility is to increase the social safety net. The social safety ensures that a person or family has the necessary resources to reach economic stability. The idea behind the social safety net is not communism, but to ensure that any one person has the ability to reach their potential. Great people have come from poverty, such as Carl Sagan, but it is less often than richer people, because poverty is adversity. The government has a moral obligation to the welfare of its people. Economic security ensures the peoples welfare. It is, then, imperative for the government to ensure that security. The only determining factor of your security should be how hard you work. 

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That is why, peace is important. Rockets being fired into Israel, airstrikes in Gaza, or any senseless violence is a drain on what is most important: the welfare of people. Every piece of unnecessary defense spending robs food from the mouth of a child. Every war causes a hungry child. Though the conflict is runs deep in the murky waters of mutual mistrust, there must be a solution. If Israel has to concede land (say the Golan Heights), then so be it. There is precedent for this. The transfer of land by Israel in 1979. The point is, that Israel is in the unique position to back up the peace treaty with one of the best equipped military in the world. They have room to make concession, and still be safe. Hamas will not concede. This means the Israelis are in the uncomfortable position of negotiating with terrorists. But, Israel has my support. Israel has the support of the US Government. The need for Israel is strong, and not even the International Community cannot dispute that. There are fewer antisemitic people in this world than respectable people. Israel then has responsibility. I, still, as an American; as someone who as never been anywhere but North America cannot judge. 

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The most important ideas that someone should get from this is:

A: There are things happening in the world that are a greater concern than your favorite snack. 
B: We, at the end of the day, can't judge the Isreali's. They are dealing with trauma that most of us cannot think of. I think of the child waiting to get out of a bomb shelter, waiting for school to start again. 
C: Terrorism is NEVER acceptable. No matter the plight of the Palestinian people, if they, and their government, decided to protest peacefully, Israel would, in a heartbeat (possibly less) decide to grant you full, unrestricted rights, the ability to govern yourself, trade, and jobs. The hate and propaganda makes the peace process harder for Israel. Violence is never the answer.
D: Defending yourself is the most desirable option, sometimes. I can't say this without cringing, but living in fear is unacceptable. 
C: Any suffering ANYWHERE is unacceptable. The emphasis remains anywhere. 

Stay safe everyone. May hope liven up these trying times.

Atheism Explanation

First off, atheism is not a dirty word. It is simply the skeptical analysis of various religions, and religious interpretations. One interpretation of the Adam and Eve (Chava) story is that women are inherently evil, the current doctrine of Catholic Christianity. This drives people away. A loving God does not make 51% of the world evil. A (more) acceptable interpretation of the story is that women make progress happen and are responsible for the "birthing" of humanity. I won't talk about it in greater detail. Once the person questions God's motives, or the church's; a person will feel free to question it. Considering that believing in something with faith is not a proof of anything, other than devotion; free inquiry will take place.

Free inquiry is the kind of questioning a 3 year old uses, the incessant "why's" annoy anyone who has "the answers", and trying to answer the child eventually goes to advanced biology or physics, the theological equivalent is a lifetime of studying the nature of God(s). Thus, people who only literally read (or have never read) religious texts cannot give the would be atheist a complete picture of religions nature. But, religion still needs faith, and once it is broken, it is hard to regain. However, an atheist knows that faith need not beget faith. Meaning, blind faith is not worth the oxygen it takes up.

The mind of an atheist is that God is not real (or other versions that trend towards agnosticism) because it cannot be tested, the person is a skeptic. Skepticism, the opposite of faith, is not doubt. Skepticism is healthy. We are all skeptical of something, be it a con man on the street, or the con man on Wall Street, so why is religion any different? Why is religion a infallible entity? Why should religion not be analysed, like everything else. The reason I get, mostly, is that analyzing is akin to "attacking". Why? A string theorist would not feel "attacked" because I say that, as of now, there is no conceivable test for their prediction. Why?--because it is in the marketplace of ideas.

An atheist does not want to say religion is evil, because it is dead by association. That is a logical fallacy. Some atheists would want the world to be closer together, rather than ripped apart by religious conquests. We see bombings in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and India; we see killings in the United States, Great Britain, and France; and we see religion inspired killings all over the world. When you see the basis of a religion as bogus, then you must ask questions that make you bitter of the world around you. But, I know that religion can organize for social justice, and prepare the next generation with a sense of community. We know that the bad apples do not spoil the bunch. But, we wish people would question enough so that bad apples could not flourish.

Faith can be a wonderful thing. Cures are mostly medicine, and the will of the patient. The idea of God can help. But, for me, life itself is grand. The great diversity of life, on a blue marble floating through space and time, sends me into awe. The great cosmos, in its grandeur, opens me and I welcome it. Nature itself is powerful, and I dare say spiritual. The atheist, though, knows that the great dopamine release I feel is magical, without the need for magic. This inspires the same thought as any great God(s).

If you can deal with your existence on this lonely speck of dust, in the sea of the cosmos, then you're great. If you feel insecure, about being a mote of dust, on a humdrum planet, in a normal solar system, in a insignificant part of a insignificant galaxy, so big that it would take 26,000 years to reach the center, at the speed of light, so that you force your insecurities on others, then you're not using your religion correctly. I would think it is time to evaluate yourself. This planet needs you, do not waste yourself. The service to God(s) is great if it is a service to humans, all else is strange to an atheist.

Left Wing Hypocrisy (written from the left-wing)

First, the definition of hypocrisy is: "a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not"(Merriam Websters Online Dictionary) . An example would be Larry Craig (I had originally chosen Ted Haggard, but he said something redeeming, then the article got weird). For those of you who don't know who those people are, I'm sorry that you had to learn from a blog. So, what am I accusing Liberals of hypocrisy for? The Chick-Fil-A scandal. What's that Liberal crying out about how I'm being a "knuckle-dragging bigoted right-wing-nut-job neanderthal"? I'l get to explaining in a minute.

Chick-Fil-A is definitely a right-wing corporation; it opposes marriage equality and supports industrial size slaughter of innocent chickens.* It's a company I wouldn't support due to its zero (0) rating from Human Rights Campaign . (*as you can tell, I'm on the vegetarian scale) I've also never eaten their due to location. I don't feel I need to bash Chick-Fil-A further for the Liberal/Libertarian crowd.

So, "what gives" you may ask. Well, the people who say it's free speech, so you should buy Chick-Fil-A regularly as a sign you love the first amendment, are full of excrement (Though, Chicago's, San Francisco's, and Boston's mayors can't actually legislate Chick-Fil-A out of their cities ideologically, because that's not their ideology. I refer you to John Stewert.) However there is one thing we on the left should know. Do any of you go to Whole Foods? "Yes"—everyone who reads this blog. Well, you're in for a surprise. What do you think Whole Foods score is? You guessed it 75/100. "I thought it'd be 100/100"—ignorant Whole Foods shoppers. There's a dichotomy between shoppers and the corporation. Whole Foods shoppers are extremely supportive, the company is not.

From the HRC website: the company does not provide health benefits for same sex couples; does not offer equal health coverage for transgender individuals without exclusion for medically necessary care; and engages in action that would undermine the goal of LGBT equality. These should be deal breakers for the LGBTQA and allied community.

So, I ask you, liberals who are boycotting Chick-Fil-A, will you do the same for Whole Foods?—unless, of course, there are give-and-takes to economic activity to excuse hypocrisy. That is all.

(Keep protesting Chick-Fil-A, though.)

The Onion

Breaking News, Seattle: a local man gets back from a trip to Madison, WI. He immediately began telling his friends in Bell-Town that they have the Onion in print, and that the Midwest is the trendiest place to be. When the news broke in the neighborhood it spread to Fremont and the Eastside first. Soon the colossal news spread, like the rain over the landscape. Everyone in Seattle knew this by the first week. When asked for comment the Bell-Town man had this to say:

      “I mean, it was sort of cool to see the Onion in print, but drinking fresh Pabst was better”.

Eventually a mob of hipsters and lonely 40-somethings had gathered around Mayor M. (as he described himself to the hipsters) house. They began chanting:

“What do we want? More Pabst! When do we want it?—When the Onion comes!”

We reached Mayor M.'s for comment he said:

“We’ve got the Stranger, go find an escort if you’re so bored. Better yet why not search the ad’s for a loose medical cannabis dispensary: that’ll keep you occupied—while we pepper spray occupiers.”

The mob soon dispersed when Seattle drivers almost plowed into the crowd because they didn’t have their head-lights on at dusk. We reached the initial driver, with our Senior Mutilated Reporter (given the new title that evening), he had this to say:

“No one blinked their lights at me: how was I supposed to know to put my lights on.”

One Eastside women who was at the scene had this to say (alone in her car with her husband):

“Hahaha I told you it was the right thing to do”—she then proceeded to eat brown rice cakes she got at Trader Joes. The original hipster was present at the scene, but could not be reached for comment because he was drinking generic corporate products which definitely do not make him trendy.

Mayor M. was later reached for comment on the incident, he had this to say:

“I never should have created the tunnel—hey is this on tape?”

A pragmatic progressive had this to say after Mayor M.'s comments:

“Well, I guess he gets my vote, I mean, as long as ‘Goldy’ shuts up”.

Dan Savage, Senior editor at the Stranger had this to say to the protestors:

“If Seattle really wants to be like the Midwest then they should learn how to shovel snow.”

Every New Yorker had this to say after Dan Savages remarks:

“The plows are better in New York —”.

Soon the mob spread in message to mindless bull shit and communist slogans before deciding it was trendier not to do anything about anything—leaving mindless hippies to stay there for 8 months before retreating to SCCC. Eventually ironic Eastside, amateur philosophers, decided to make signs saying: I am the Stranger. L.A. then made fun of Seattle, re-establishing their smug little bull shit lives, while then failing to function when two drops of rain fell.

The bring-the-Onion movement spread to Issaquah, where teenagers decided they were satirists instead of poor rappers. Eventually everyone went home to overcast skies and contemplated hanging themselves while simultaneously building more roads so they can drive their sad lives away. This all happened while life was normal in the Central District with every poor minority having this to say:

“I wish all these hipsters would stop fucking with the city, their all just trust-fund bastards anyways.”

In other news, the Oatmeal moves to Thailand, thus leaving the city behind—with these last words:

“Portland, go drown in the river Styx.”—The Oatmeal referring to the sadder lives of the other Vancouver.