The Onion

Breaking News, Seattle: a local man gets back from a trip to Madison, WI. He immediately began telling his friends in Bell-Town that they have the Onion in print, and that the Midwest is the trendiest place to be. When the news broke in the neighborhood it spread to Fremont and the Eastside first. Soon the colossal news spread, like the rain over the landscape. Everyone in Seattle knew this by the first week. When asked for comment the Bell-Town man had this to say:

      “I mean, it was sort of cool to see the Onion in print, but drinking fresh Pabst was better”.

Eventually a mob of hipsters and lonely 40-somethings had gathered around Mayor M. (as he described himself to the hipsters) house. They began chanting:

“What do we want? More Pabst! When do we want it?—When the Onion comes!”

We reached Mayor M.'s for comment he said:

“We’ve got the Stranger, go find an escort if you’re so bored. Better yet why not search the ad’s for a loose medical cannabis dispensary: that’ll keep you occupied—while we pepper spray occupiers.”

The mob soon dispersed when Seattle drivers almost plowed into the crowd because they didn’t have their head-lights on at dusk. We reached the initial driver, with our Senior Mutilated Reporter (given the new title that evening), he had this to say:

“No one blinked their lights at me: how was I supposed to know to put my lights on.”

One Eastside women who was at the scene had this to say (alone in her car with her husband):

“Hahaha I told you it was the right thing to do”—she then proceeded to eat brown rice cakes she got at Trader Joes. The original hipster was present at the scene, but could not be reached for comment because he was drinking generic corporate products which definitely do not make him trendy.

Mayor M. was later reached for comment on the incident, he had this to say:

“I never should have created the tunnel—hey is this on tape?”

A pragmatic progressive had this to say after Mayor M.'s comments:

“Well, I guess he gets my vote, I mean, as long as ‘Goldy’ shuts up”.

Dan Savage, Senior editor at the Stranger had this to say to the protestors:

“If Seattle really wants to be like the Midwest then they should learn how to shovel snow.”

Every New Yorker had this to say after Dan Savages remarks:

“The plows are better in New York —”.

Soon the mob spread in message to mindless bull shit and communist slogans before deciding it was trendier not to do anything about anything—leaving mindless hippies to stay there for 8 months before retreating to SCCC. Eventually ironic Eastside, amateur philosophers, decided to make signs saying: I am the Stranger. L.A. then made fun of Seattle, re-establishing their smug little bull shit lives, while then failing to function when two drops of rain fell.

The bring-the-Onion movement spread to Issaquah, where teenagers decided they were satirists instead of poor rappers. Eventually everyone went home to overcast skies and contemplated hanging themselves while simultaneously building more roads so they can drive their sad lives away. This all happened while life was normal in the Central District with every poor minority having this to say:

“I wish all these hipsters would stop fucking with the city, their all just trust-fund bastards anyways.”

In other news, the Oatmeal moves to Thailand, thus leaving the city behind—with these last words:

“Portland, go drown in the river Styx.”—The Oatmeal referring to the sadder lives of the other Vancouver.