Weiner Comes to Top the Polls

12:00pm EST, NEW YORK, NEW YORK

In a stunning turn around, Anthony Weiner has come surging past his fading opponents. With his new slogan "NY Wants the D" leading the charge. Many opponents are curving to the left to catch up with him, but many think the panicking is a bit "premature." Other analysts are not so sure. Xiao Niao, a democratic political strategist had this to say: "[sic] come erection day, Weiner is sure to win. Honestly,  his opponents will die out too quickly. Though he had a little burn-out, he's in for the long-haul. Considering the amount of sleepless nights he was getting and the amount of campaigning he's done, it's fair to say he as almost super-human stamina."

Still, many are skeptical of Weiner's new slogan, including Vice President of the NYC Chapter of the League of Women's Voters, Sally Robinson: "uh...do I really have to explain why that loses my vote. [Pauses] Seriously." With this race tightening-up, it's not clear who will top City Hall. Among those who think there's "nothing to sweat about", James Carvel has been quoted as saying: "I don't know 'bout you, but he ain't going to survive this one. Sure, he can pull in and out of politics all he likes, but he's always going to end it prematurely. You can ask his wife if you like." Even with the nightmares that those words will cause, many ordinary New Yorkers tend to agree.

In a statement by his staff, Anthony Weiner has been feeling "nearly orgasmic at the news." He was later found to be texting. His wife confirmed that it wasn't sexting, but merely communicating with Elliot Spitzer's Prostitute in an attempt to figure out "why [he] can have a fruitful career, and he can't, even though he did nothing illegal is not a damn hypocrite."

Only time will tell whether he can actually pull it off, or whether he is forced to pull out.