10pmEST, Sanford Florida:
Upholding thousands of years of biblical tradition, a state-court in Sanford, Florida declared the killing of an "unruly" teenager to be perfectly legal. The Bible is commonly translated as saying: "For anyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother; his blood is upon him." (Leviticus 20:9) The response has been somewhat mixed. Parents throughout Florida have killed 20,000 teenagers (aged 13-18) since then--19,000 in the Panhandle alone. An additional 5,000 children (aged 5-12) have been killed for reasons varying from "he was being a little shit" to "she couldn't have expected to be fed every time we got food, what is this, a Howard Johnson's!?" Parents all over Florida have demanded that Child Protection Services bring back their children, but a "grandfather clause" has not been yet established or the ruling yet interpreted by the Attorney General--though being quoted as saying "who wouldn't like this ability, am I right?!"
According to the decision, if a a person over the age of ten decides to be rude, unruly, or in any way uncooperative to a person over 21 years of age, the adult has grounds to kill the child without recourse. Since the ruling, roving bands of people in white coats calling themselves the "White Knights" have been roving through the ghettos of Miami, Orlando, and Boca Raton, for "unruly teens". So far they have killed thousands of people in Miami and Orlando, as well as tens in Boca Raton. The people were predominately Black and Cuban. A group of adult black men and women have gathered on the steps of the capitol demanding an end to what they say is racial discrimination. One activist, 59 year old Martin Friedman was quoted as saying: "those people in the court say it wasn't racism, but who the hell is goin' to believe them! If a black man tries to kill a punk-ass cracker, there wouldn't be two looks at the evidence 'till the man is sent to death! Who the fuck would believe this fucking state. I might as well move back to Mississippi! For the Love of God, we've got to do something." Later adding, "I mean, I wouldn't even think of...well, we just need to change the damn justice system, that's what." The Judge who issued the ruling has denied any racial motivation, and has declined further comment.
The response from the myriad of organizations has been varied. The Southern Baptist Church declared on its website: "we are one step closer to our vision of a better America through Jesus Christ and his message of love, peace, and killing little punkers." The Catholic Church offered a strong condemnation saying: "if everyone killed a trouble-making kid who didn't do whatever you wanted, why there wouldn't be anymore alter-boys, and what world would that be?" Strangely enough, the North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) issued a similar statement, referring to the fact that there would be no more boys to "mentor". (A activist group of teenagers called "meh" wrote nothing on its website at the publication of this document, but late last night they produced a statement calling for the justice system to be "at least racist as fuck, 'cause this is bullshit. Better that the Old Rule of the South* be instated than for an entire generation of children be slaughtered. *If a nigger kills a white man, it's murder; if a white man kills a nigger it's not murder; if a nigger kills a nigger, that's one less nigger." The Florida ACLU has weighed in on the case saying: "we are reviewing our interpretation of the Tenth Amendment just for you Florida. Have fun!" Rick Scott, the first Snake Governor, could not be reached for comment.
Oddly enough, after being freed, George Zimmerman could not be found. It has been theorized that he was actually horribly racist enough to believe that Trayvon Martin was actually a criminal, and had some "black magic" under his hoodie that made him stand his ground against nothing. His crippling fear, being a form of light-racism, is upheld by the racist court system--and deadly nonetheless. Other theories include that he's really just an "asshat."
This reporting was deemed horribly written when first written, but we at The Apple decided to just say "fuck it; it works."
Correction: initially our reporting hinted that Mr. Zimmerman was white, but he isn't. In fact, he's really just a total douchebag that the criminal justice system allows to kill people--provided they're black.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Weiner Comes to Top the Polls
12:00pm EST, NEW YORK, NEW YORK
In a stunning turn around, Anthony Weiner has come surging past his fading opponents. With his new slogan "NY Wants the D" leading the charge. Many opponents are curving to the left to catch up with him, but many think the panicking is a bit "premature." Other analysts are not so sure. Xiao Niao, a democratic political strategist had this to say: "[sic] come erection day, Weiner is sure to win. Honestly, his opponents will die out too quickly. Though he had a little burn-out, he's in for the long-haul. Considering the amount of sleepless nights he was getting and the amount of campaigning he's done, it's fair to say he as almost super-human stamina."
Still, many are skeptical of Weiner's new slogan, including Vice President of the NYC Chapter of the League of Women's Voters, Sally Robinson: "uh...do I really have to explain why that loses my vote. [Pauses] Seriously." With this race tightening-up, it's not clear who will top City Hall. Among those who think there's "nothing to sweat about", James Carvel has been quoted as saying: "I don't know 'bout you, but he ain't going to survive this one. Sure, he can pull in and out of politics all he likes, but he's always going to end it prematurely. You can ask his wife if you like." Even with the nightmares that those words will cause, many ordinary New Yorkers tend to agree.
In a statement by his staff, Anthony Weiner has been feeling "nearly orgasmic at the news." He was later found to be texting. His wife confirmed that it wasn't sexting, but merely communicating with Elliot Spitzer's Prostitute in an attempt to figure out "why [he] can have a fruitful career, and he can't, even though he did nothing illegal is not a damn hypocrite."
Only time will tell whether he can actually pull it off, or whether he is forced to pull out.
In a stunning turn around, Anthony Weiner has come surging past his fading opponents. With his new slogan "NY Wants the D" leading the charge. Many opponents are curving to the left to catch up with him, but many think the panicking is a bit "premature." Other analysts are not so sure. Xiao Niao, a democratic political strategist had this to say: "[sic] come erection day, Weiner is sure to win. Honestly, his opponents will die out too quickly. Though he had a little burn-out, he's in for the long-haul. Considering the amount of sleepless nights he was getting and the amount of campaigning he's done, it's fair to say he as almost super-human stamina."
Still, many are skeptical of Weiner's new slogan, including Vice President of the NYC Chapter of the League of Women's Voters, Sally Robinson: "uh...do I really have to explain why that loses my vote. [Pauses] Seriously." With this race tightening-up, it's not clear who will top City Hall. Among those who think there's "nothing to sweat about", James Carvel has been quoted as saying: "I don't know 'bout you, but he ain't going to survive this one. Sure, he can pull in and out of politics all he likes, but he's always going to end it prematurely. You can ask his wife if you like." Even with the nightmares that those words will cause, many ordinary New Yorkers tend to agree.
In a statement by his staff, Anthony Weiner has been feeling "nearly orgasmic at the news." He was later found to be texting. His wife confirmed that it wasn't sexting, but merely communicating with Elliot Spitzer's Prostitute in an attempt to figure out "why [he] can have a fruitful career, and he can't, even though he did nothing illegal is not a damn hypocrite."
Only time will tell whether he can actually pull it off, or whether he is forced to pull out.
Anthony Weiner Press Release
2:00am EST, New York City:
Anthony Wiener, amid weeks of constant scandal pertaining to sexting consenting adults, has a released a much needed statement clarifying his message and signalling a new direction for the campaign.
"TO THE PRESS: Anthony Weiner has been a unabashed progressive and unrelenting champion for the working and middle classes. In his tenure as a congressman he passed countless laws that helped benefited ordinary people, not the rich. He fought hard and long for a single payer system, wall street reform, and many others. Though some of his causes have failed due to a government paid for by the corporation, he has stood erect for the people to milk everything he can for the middle class. Though it was a hard grind, he stood for you. His work was in his blood, sweat, and tears. Now, he is running for Mayor. As a congressman, as now, he was also a total dick. Yes, a total fucking dick. The reason why that's not bad--why we're making it as public as possible--is because that's how he can fight for the middle class. Being a total dick is the reason why legislation isn't immediately cock-blocked by republicans. Without having the in-your-face New-Yorker-Gall that Weiner has, he could never have been as effective as he was.In fact, some scientific theories state that being a total dick is what made all great leaders great. That's why we have decided on a new slogan: 'NY Wants the D'
Yes, New York Wants [Anthony Weiner]. Anthony Weiner is the dick that New York need and deserves. Because, c'mon, the last two Mayors were 'Mayor I hate Soda, Smocking, and Poor-Blacks and 'Mayor 9/11--I also hate jaywalking.' The idea that New York can stand up with a nice person who is also a bleeding-heart liberal is laughable. I mean have you been to New York City? It's a total shithole with a Disney store attached! Also hipsters--tons of hipsters. As for Mayor Dick, well, he decided to openly ask his wife for permission to be an adulterer, because, c'mon, it's not like he's going to stop--nor did he ever say adulterers were sinners. Seriously, Pat Robertson is still alive. I think we've made out point. Everyone say on the count of three: 1, 2, NEW YORK WANTS THE D!"
Anthony Wiener, amid weeks of constant scandal pertaining to sexting consenting adults, has a released a much needed statement clarifying his message and signalling a new direction for the campaign.
"TO THE PRESS: Anthony Weiner has been a unabashed progressive and unrelenting champion for the working and middle classes. In his tenure as a congressman he passed countless laws that helped benefited ordinary people, not the rich. He fought hard and long for a single payer system, wall street reform, and many others. Though some of his causes have failed due to a government paid for by the corporation, he has stood erect for the people to milk everything he can for the middle class. Though it was a hard grind, he stood for you. His work was in his blood, sweat, and tears. Now, he is running for Mayor. As a congressman, as now, he was also a total dick. Yes, a total fucking dick. The reason why that's not bad--why we're making it as public as possible--is because that's how he can fight for the middle class. Being a total dick is the reason why legislation isn't immediately cock-blocked by republicans. Without having the in-your-face New-Yorker-Gall that Weiner has, he could never have been as effective as he was.In fact, some scientific theories state that being a total dick is what made all great leaders great. That's why we have decided on a new slogan: 'NY Wants the D'
Yes, New York Wants [Anthony Weiner]. Anthony Weiner is the dick that New York need and deserves. Because, c'mon, the last two Mayors were 'Mayor I hate Soda, Smocking, and Poor-Blacks and 'Mayor 9/11--I also hate jaywalking.' The idea that New York can stand up with a nice person who is also a bleeding-heart liberal is laughable. I mean have you been to New York City? It's a total shithole with a Disney store attached! Also hipsters--tons of hipsters. As for Mayor Dick, well, he decided to openly ask his wife for permission to be an adulterer, because, c'mon, it's not like he's going to stop--nor did he ever say adulterers were sinners. Seriously, Pat Robertson is still alive. I think we've made out point. Everyone say on the count of three: 1, 2, NEW YORK WANTS THE D!"
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