Biblical Law Upheld

10pmEST, Sanford Florida:

Upholding thousands of years of biblical tradition, a state-court in Sanford, Florida declared the killing of an "unruly" teenager to be perfectly legal. The Bible is commonly translated as saying: "For anyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother; his blood is upon him." (Leviticus 20:9) The response has been somewhat mixed. Parents throughout Florida have killed 20,000 teenagers (aged 13-18) since then--19,000 in the Panhandle alone. An additional 5,000 children (aged 5-12) have been killed for reasons varying from "he was being a little shit" to "she couldn't have expected to be fed every time we got food, what is this, a Howard Johnson's!?" Parents all over Florida have demanded that Child Protection Services bring back their children, but a "grandfather clause" has not been yet established or the ruling yet interpreted by the Attorney General--though being quoted as saying "who wouldn't like this ability, am I right?!"

According to the decision, if a a person over the age of ten decides to be rude, unruly, or in any way uncooperative to a person over 21 years of age, the adult has grounds to kill the child without recourse. Since the ruling, roving bands of people in white coats calling themselves the "White Knights" have been roving through the ghettos of Miami, Orlando, and Boca Raton, for "unruly teens". So far they have killed thousands of people in Miami and Orlando, as well as tens in Boca Raton. The people were predominately Black and Cuban. A group of adult black men and women have gathered on the steps of the capitol demanding an end to what they say is racial discrimination. One activist, 59 year old Martin Friedman was quoted as saying: "those people in the court say it wasn't racism, but who the hell is goin' to believe them! If a black man tries to kill a punk-ass cracker, there wouldn't be two looks at the evidence 'till the man is sent to death! Who the fuck would believe this fucking state. I might as well move back to Mississippi! For the Love of God, we've got to do something." Later adding, "I mean, I wouldn't even think of...well, we just need to change the damn justice system, that's what." The Judge who issued the ruling has denied any racial motivation, and has declined further comment.

The response from the myriad of organizations has been varied. The Southern Baptist Church declared on its website: "we are one step closer to our vision of a better America through Jesus Christ and his message of love, peace, and killing little punkers." The Catholic Church offered a strong condemnation saying: "if everyone killed a trouble-making kid who didn't do whatever you wanted, why there wouldn't be anymore alter-boys, and what world would that be?" Strangely enough, the North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) issued a similar statement, referring to the fact that there would be no more boys to "mentor". (A activist group of teenagers called "meh" wrote nothing on its website at the publication of this document, but late last night they produced a statement calling for the justice system to be "at least racist as fuck, 'cause this is bullshit. Better that the Old Rule of the South* be instated than for an entire generation of children be slaughtered. *If a nigger kills a white man, it's murder; if a white man kills a nigger it's not murder; if a nigger kills a nigger, that's one less nigger." The Florida ACLU has weighed in on the case saying: "we are reviewing our interpretation of the Tenth Amendment just for you Florida. Have fun!" Rick Scott, the first Snake Governor, could not be reached for comment.

Oddly enough, after being freed, George Zimmerman could not be found. It has been theorized that he was actually horribly racist enough to believe that Trayvon Martin was actually a criminal, and had some "black magic" under his hoodie that made him stand his ground against nothing. His crippling fear, being a form of light-racism, is upheld by the racist court system--and deadly nonetheless. Other theories include that he's really just an "asshat."

This reporting was deemed horribly written when first written, but we at The Apple decided to just say "fuck it; it works." 

Correction: initially our reporting hinted that Mr. Zimmerman was white, but he isn't. In fact, he's really just a total douchebag that the criminal justice system allows to kill people--provided they're black.