Anthony Weiner Press Release

2:00am EST, New York City:
Anthony Wiener, amid weeks of constant scandal pertaining to sexting consenting adults, has a released a much needed statement clarifying his message and signalling a new direction for the campaign.

"TO THE PRESS: Anthony Weiner has been a unabashed progressive and unrelenting champion for the working and middle classes. In his tenure as a congressman he passed countless laws that helped benefited ordinary people, not the rich. He fought hard and long for a single payer system, wall street reform, and many others. Though some of his causes have failed due to a government paid for by the corporation, he has stood erect for the people to milk everything he can for the middle class. Though it was a hard grind, he stood for you. His work was in his blood, sweat, and tears. Now, he is running for Mayor. As a congressman, as now, he was also a total dick. Yes, a total fucking dick. The reason why that's not bad--why we're making it as public as possible--is because that's how he can fight for the middle class. Being a total dick is the reason why legislation isn't immediately cock-blocked by republicans. Without having the in-your-face New-Yorker-Gall that Weiner has, he could never have been as effective as he was.In fact, some scientific theories state that being a total dick is what made all great leaders great. That's why we have decided on a new slogan: 'NY Wants the D'

Yes, New York Wants [Anthony Weiner]. Anthony Weiner is the dick that New York need and deserves. Because, c'mon, the last two Mayors were 'Mayor I hate Soda, Smocking, and Poor-Blacks and 'Mayor 9/11--I also hate jaywalking.' The idea that New York can stand up with a nice person who is also a bleeding-heart liberal is laughable. I mean have you been to New York City? It's a total shithole with a Disney store attached! Also hipsters--tons of hipsters. As for Mayor Dick, well, he decided to openly ask his wife for permission to be an adulterer, because, c'mon, it's not like he's going to stop--nor did he ever say adulterers were sinners. Seriously, Pat Robertson is still alive. I think we've made out point. Everyone say on the count of three: 1, 2, NEW YORK WANTS THE D!"